Desolate, I brood.
The marauding claws
Strangled my nights…unendingly, pervasively
Hyperventilating, I gripped your hand.
Though momentarily assuring…
Deathly Hallows and shadows of pain were burdening my existence
Suddenly heavy gust of turbulence invaded the moment
paralyzing death spread in the yonder
And snatched you away
Shifting from earth’s astral planes
I lost your touch… shrillness and stillness of the cold moment
Froze in time
Bereaved I bellowed, shrinking in agonizing tears.
Groping, I can’t see you around here now
Pouring Condolences don’t soothe me
Mother where are you
Why did you leave me?
I breathe Your reminiscences
guilty of living without you.
This poem conjures up my feelings that have reflected upon me, in this devastating year.
I don’t know how to write this year end blog and how I’ve gathered the strength to summarize my emotions.
The year 2021 when I lost my mum to covid, left me agonizing in pain . The ruthless covid virus who’s marauding claws took my mom away from me in just 12 days. She’s shifted to transcendental realms forever.
In just 12 days I saw her metamorphose from a healthy mum to a terminally ill patient and ultimately death. And what exponentially aggravated my pain was that I couldn’t travel to her from US to India. My pertinent visa issues kept me away from traveling. The second wave of covid caught Delhi unarmed and became Air- borne. My mum immediately caught it and got acute GI complications. It started with acute diarrhea and was confirmed as Covid after the RTPCR test results came in. I was still confirmed that my mum will recover soon because I saw a lot of my close ones recovering. Unfortunately my mum didn’t receive the right medical attention by the doctor and wasn’t even put under the scan. Her lungs soon started crumbling and there was an urgent need for oxygen within 5 days of her catching the ailment and hospitalization. I heard her breaking down day after day on my WhatsApp calls, crushing me from inside.
She wasn’t able to eat, talk and continuously suffered from high fever and extreme weakness. My world was coming crashing down everyday and I was crying helplessly, asking for help through relatives, friends, social media,NGO COVID groups in India and US. Everyone tried but not one lead worked through. I couldn’t get a single ICU bed in a different hospital. The doctor attending mumma at the hospital had told 4 days before her passing that she needed a ventilator but nothing could be arranged.
My father stood besides my mother and stayed there in the covid ward for the last 5 days holding her hands. He serviced her without any help, surviving there with just 2 masks on him. She died 3 hours after her 41st marriage anniversary and papa was beside her when she breathed her last. It was a miracle that kept him afloat in those tumultuous conditions.
I was shattered. I couldn’t control my emotions and pain. My mum was my biggest support and motivation and now she was gone. She inspired me to write better everyday and I couldn’t be by her side when she needed me the most, the care and facilities, that could have been the difference between life and death.
The agony of a bereaved daughter, the guilt of not being able to serve her and letting her go so easily enveloped me completely. The dark hole of grief would have swallowed me had I not turned to writing again. I published my ebook through blogchatter within 18 days of her departure and channelized my pain. I wrote, dedicating my writing to her and sought her blessings which she so lovingly always showered on me. She was a very kind, affectionate, soft spoken mom who mentored me through all my thick and thins. Her sudden demise left me gaping, groping in the vacuum.
Feelings of abomination, rejection, sourness, blankness towards the way the medical facilities deteriorated in Delhi , black marketing of medicines , the way government machinery failed aggravated me. For many days, the haunting moments came creeping back in horror.
I had enough reasons to crib and crumble, break and dissolve, shun the days and bereave in darkness, loose sanity and grope in unknown realms. I did bleed in feelings of guilt, burdened identity, cacophony of bitter tears, gruesome unending grief but I didn’t pause. I still lingered on, continued to cry, continued to write. I don’t know why and how… but I still inked my vulnerabilities and aches, my persistence and my pain. Poetry became my tourniquet and controlled my spills channelizing my thoughts and palpitations. My mum slowly came back to me metamorphosed as my strength and guiding superpower.
Life hasn’t been easy to restore but I’m trying, healing from within, accepting my pain and seeking inspiration from my mother as always. She’s been blessing and guiding me towards goal achievements and prosperity, making sure, I don’t succumb to my pains, rather stand again and walk ahead. In the past 6 months, I’ve moved in my Own house, started studying and got certified, joined a new job and feeling motivated each single day to strive for a better tomorrow. My mum is and will always stay my indomitable source of strength and happiness. I know she’s in a better place now, calm and serene, watching over me. Always!
As they say, once you loose a parent, you gain a god, I’ve got my guardian angel who’s provided me a talisman and figured the charter of my life for me. While I’ve mewled over her loss, she’s sent me letters through the universe that has conspired in my favor to show me guiding light. I now believe that I’m a star born from my mothers wish and I will shine with aplomb under her guiding spirit. I strongly believe the following verses resonate with her message for me and uphold her divine presence in my life, forever!
Never be defeated
Walk and Keep steering ahead with courage
Even if lingering, dark hopelessness abounds you
Even if your only moon dissipates away
Even if the North Star hides in anguished miseries
You walk… persist
Contest all your vanquished foes
In the dim dreariness of the moonless night
Retired, hurt, dismayed, aggrieved, bereaved
Bleeding tears, Alone, you stumble but You still walk
Lamented, deplored, mutilated
deprived, destitute but you must walk
For you have pledged
You can never be defeated, stopped
Because that is not an option for you
Your resilient heart breathes, dogged mind determines
You are alive and hence you have to walk
through this marauding tumultuous gloom
To hear that awaiting ray of light
To seethe and shine with your amorphous moon
In the luminescence of morning.
This piece has been written as a part of blog hop “ Saying Goodbye 2021 & Saying hello 2022” hosted by my dear friend Swarnali from thesaffronstoryteller.com. Thankyou Swarna for prompting me to pen my emotions, count my blessings and heal from within!