You’re my nucleus Mumma- now and forever!

Desolate, I brood.

The marauding claws

Strangled my nights…unendingly, pervasively

Hyperventilating, I gripped your hand.

Though momentarily assuring…
Deathly Hallows and shadows of pain were burdening my existence

Suddenly heavy gust of turbulence invaded the moment

paralyzing death spread in the yonder

And snatched you away

Shifting from earth’s astral planes

I lost your touch… shrillness and stillness of the cold moment

Froze in time

Bereaved I bellowed, shrinking in agonizing tears.

Groping, I can’t see you around here now

Pouring Condolences don’t soothe me

Mother where are you

Why did you leave me?

I breathe Your reminiscences

guilty of living without you.

This poem conjures up my feelings that have reflected upon me, in this devastating year.

I don’t know how to write this year end blog and how I’ve gathered the strength to summarize my emotions.

The year 2021 when I lost my mum to covid, left me agonizing in pain . The ruthless covid virus who’s marauding claws took my mom away from me in just 12 days. She’s shifted to transcendental realms forever.

In just 12 days I saw her metamorphose from a healthy mum to a terminally ill patient and ultimately death. And what exponentially aggravated my pain was that I couldn’t travel to her from US to India. My pertinent visa issues kept me away from traveling. The second wave of covid caught Delhi unarmed and became Air- borne. My mum immediately caught it and got acute GI complications. It started with acute diarrhea and was confirmed as Covid after the RTPCR test results came in. I was still confirmed that my mum will recover soon because I saw a lot of my close ones recovering. Unfortunately my mum didn’t receive the right medical attention by the doctor and wasn’t even put under the scan. Her lungs soon started crumbling and there was an urgent need for oxygen within 5 days of her catching the ailment and hospitalization. I heard her breaking down day after day on my WhatsApp calls, crushing me from inside.

She wasn’t able to eat, talk and continuously suffered from high fever and extreme weakness. My world was coming crashing down everyday and I was crying helplessly, asking for help through relatives, friends, social media,NGO COVID groups in India and US. Everyone tried but not one lead worked through. I couldn’t get a single ICU bed in a different hospital. The doctor attending mumma at the hospital had told 4 days before her passing that she needed a ventilator but nothing could be arranged.

My father stood besides my mother and stayed there in the covid ward for the last 5 days holding her hands. He serviced her without any help, surviving there with just 2 masks on him. She died 3 hours after her 41st marriage anniversary and papa was beside her when she breathed her last. It was a miracle that kept him afloat in those tumultuous conditions.

I was shattered. I couldn’t control my emotions and pain. My mum was my biggest support and motivation and now she was gone. She inspired me to write better everyday and I couldn’t be by her side when she needed me the most, the care and facilities, that could have been the difference between life and death.

The agony of a bereaved daughter, the guilt of not being able to serve her and letting her go so easily enveloped me completely. The dark hole of grief would have swallowed me had I not turned to writing again. I published my ebook through blogchatter within 18 days of her departure and channelized my pain. I wrote, dedicating my writing to her and sought her blessings which she so lovingly always showered on me. She was a very kind, affectionate, soft spoken mom who mentored me through all my thick and thins. Her sudden demise left me gaping, groping in the vacuum.

Feelings of abomination, rejection, sourness, blankness towards the way the medical facilities deteriorated in Delhi , black marketing of medicines , the way government machinery failed aggravated me. For many days, the haunting moments came creeping back in horror.

I had enough reasons to crib and crumble, break and dissolve, shun the days and bereave in darkness, loose sanity and grope in unknown realms. I did bleed in feelings of guilt, burdened identity, cacophony of bitter tears, gruesome unending grief but I didn’t pause. I still lingered on, continued to cry, continued to write. I don’t know why and how… but I still inked my vulnerabilities and aches, my persistence and my pain. Poetry became my tourniquet and controlled my spills channelizing my thoughts and palpitations. My mum slowly came back to me metamorphosed as my strength and guiding superpower.

Life hasn’t been easy to restore but I’m trying, healing from within, accepting my pain and seeking inspiration from my mother as always. She’s been blessing and guiding me towards goal achievements and prosperity, making sure, I don’t succumb to my pains, rather stand again and walk ahead. In the past 6 months, I’ve moved in my Own house, started studying and got certified, joined a new job and feeling motivated each single day to strive for a better tomorrow. My mum is and will always stay my indomitable source of strength and happiness. I know she’s in a better place now, calm and serene, watching over me. Always!

As they say, once you loose a parent, you gain a god, I’ve got my guardian angel who’s provided me a talisman and figured the charter of my life for me. While I’ve mewled over her loss, she’s sent me letters through the universe that has conspired in my favor to show me guiding light. I now believe that I’m a star born from my mothers wish and I will shine with aplomb under her guiding spirit. I strongly believe the following verses resonate with her message for me and uphold her divine presence in my life, forever!

Never be defeated

Walk and Keep steering ahead with courage

Even if lingering, dark hopelessness abounds you

Even if your only moon dissipates away

Even if the North Star hides in anguished miseries

You walk… persist

Contest all your vanquished foes

In the dim dreariness of the moonless night

Retired, hurt, dismayed, aggrieved, bereaved

Bleeding tears, Alone, you stumble but You still walk

Lamented, deplored, mutilated

deprived, destitute but you must walk

For you have pledged

You can never be defeated, stopped

Because that is not an option for you

Your resilient heart breathes, dogged mind determines

You are alive and hence you have to walk

through this marauding tumultuous gloom

To hear that awaiting ray of light

To seethe and shine with your amorphous moon

In the luminescence of morning.

This piece has been written as a part of blog hop “ Saying Goodbye 2021 & Saying hello 2022” hosted by my dear friend Swarnali from thesaffronstoryteller.com. Thankyou Swarna for prompting me to pen my emotions, count my blessings and heal from within!

Published by Daisy

I write whenever ideas crunch and overwhelme me! It's my reaction outpour.

19 thoughts on “You’re my nucleus Mumma- now and forever!

  1. You truly are a star and you are already shining bright Daisy. It’s not easy to stay away from parents and loosing them against your wish is an impossibly though life to go with. But that’s how it goes, and we have to move just like that. Wish you more strength and power in this new year..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much Payel for reading and your encouragement ❤️yeah it’s tough to stay away and see them fade away with illness. I’ve stayed strong and will continue to do so, while seeking her blessings! Thankyou for your best wishes!

      Like

  2. A heart wrenching post that hit me straight in the heart. Some losses can never be healed and I remember this time when you reached out but alas, I personally couldn’t do anything. Hugs from my side and you are really a strong woman and I am sure, your Mom is the guiding star and will watch you over always .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Daisy, Big big big hugs! It’s the biggest fear to lose your loved ones, especially your parents. It’s unfortunate you guys were apart during the second wave which took her away to another realm. I lost a maternal figure last year too, and it’s unbelievable. Some losses are irreplaceable. But, I loved how you chose to channelize the loss into love, strength, and inspiration. Here’s wishing you a safe, happy, and prosperous 2022!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much Tina for your kind words!! Yeah I chose to channelize my pain and keep moving ahead with my mumma’s blessings! Sorry to hear about your loss, indeed it’s painful. My best wishes to you for the new year!

      Like

  4. You are a brave girls daisy. I am not finding proper words to express my feedings. I can understand how hard it must be for you. but it is really inspiring that you have processed your grief in a creative way and publish your book too. I am sure aunty must be so proud of you. wishing you a happy new year.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Daisy, I have been with you all through the days and I will always be there for you. Aunty is still alive and she is living within us. Only we can’t see her. But she is always around you and I know you can feel her. Aunty is sending her blessings to you and she will be always showing you the right path. More power to you and big hugs. Much love 💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much Swarna for your kind comforting wishes 🙏🏻🤞🏻I know you’re always there as my support system and Your writing is therapeutic that heals me internally! Keep shining my friend and a very happy new year to you ❤️

      Like

  6. I know no words are sufficient to console your loss. Having lost my father in law to the same wave I understand the anguish, helplessness one feels. Wish you more strength and good health

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou Sree for your kind wishes!! I’m sorry to hear about your loss. True, no words can put a balm on the pain of loosing your loved ones. I wish you lots of good health and happiness in the new year!

      Like

    1. Yeah Mayuri, it was unfair and painful and drowned me in a sea of guilt and remorse. I’m searching for answers everyday for my pain but I’m sure my mum is blessing me as my guardian angel. She’s my lighthouse in this storm of emotions. Thankyou so much for reading and your kind wishes!!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: